Unless, of course, you feel compelled to do so. If you are with me thus far, perhaps something is urging you forward, in which case, please join me in proceeding. As I write, I am vaguely aware of a battle going on inside my brain. Should I write this? Is it stupid? Is it a waste of time? What’s the point…after all, there has to be a point. As my thoughts prattle on, so does my pen. Hmmm, interesting. I wonder where this is going.
Just noticed a silent, yet rather jarring realization – this same inner conflict frequently rages on, no matter what I am doing. There seems to be a pattern of indecision, struggle, judgment and deliberation that demises into distraction – which leads to a whole new plethora of random musings that are, quite honestly, simply fancy attire for avoidance.
But what happens next might be what’s new.
I am going to have some major dental work done next week. It already has cost me a fortune. I mean, seriously, already well over two thousand dollars spent (and I’m not done yet) for one tooth??!! And it wasn’t even bothering me in the first place. Should I do this? What’s the point? Is it a waste of time and money? What are they (those experts!) really “fixing” if I’m not even in pain? Yet “they” insist it is necessary. Maybe they are just trying to rip me off, and I should stand up for myself, growling and baring my healthy teeth. Do they even know what they are doing? What if they poke a hole through my jaw? This won’t even “show” – it’s not cosmetic, so people won’t be able to admire it and tell me how lovely my replacement tooth is!
Funny, as I write this, just had another “aha” moment! According to Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, metaphysically speaking, teeth issues have to do with “long term indecisiveness.” I wonder if the decision to go ahead and get my tooth fixed is actually a metaphor; a declaration to my commitment to trust what is compelling me as my next step?
As I prepare to give my first workshop next month, I notice the similar doubts arising. Will I get my point across? What is my point, anyway? Should I even do this? Am I ready? What if people are just being “nice” trying to support me, but they really hate me? Will I deliver them the value they seek? Will I implant transformation? (Yes, I had to make a reference to my tooth here, to tie this altogether.)
In the past, I have allowed my random ramblings to become the thoughts that talk me out of what I felt compelled to do.
Entertainingly enough, right now, as I write this, I just made another connection. The title of my workshop (that I had come up with well over a month ago!) is R.I.P. – Releasing Indecision and Perfectionism.
INDECISION. Get it? Long term indecisiveness.
In the past, I would have spent hours/days/months agonizing over this blog just to avoid publishing it at all. And I would have waited until I could choose the perfect dental care provider, so I didn’t have to make a choice (translated, so I couldn’t possibly make a mistake.) And, I have been talking about conducting a workshop for more years than I want to admit, so I won’t admit it. (Besides, I don’t know the answer, and my perfect self doesn’t want to lie to you.)
Since I am in full confession-mode here, part of my previous brilliant strategy was to always rely on outside approval and validation. But the trouble was, once I got it, it was either from the “wrong” people, wasn’t what I wanted to hear, or was never enough. Dilemma, Deliberation, Distraction, Demise… rinse and repeat. It actually has kind of a nice beat to it. Dilemma, Deliberation, Distraction, Demise…
Yeah, for me, perfectionism and indecision has always been fear in disguise.
But I can tell myself enough “believable” stories that I will talk myself right out of taking a risk, any risk.
In the past, I “protected” myself through deciding not to decide. Indecision became inaction.
But inaction no longer works for a healthy me.
And now is not my past. Right this very moment is the only time I have to make a different choice.
Thou Shalt Take Action and Trust.
I hereby dub this writing as my first new blog post in years. And since I am being the leader of my land at this very moment, I hereby screw the risk of having a new post screwed into my gum, thus preparing it to be royally crowned in the near future. Regal, huh?
Two healthy new posts with the wave of my scepter…uh, pen.
In the past, trusting my Guidance HAS been like pulling teeth.
But the hard part, the tooth pull, has already been completed.
I don’t know what’s next. Maybe it’s learning to delight in surprises.
So here I am, in the gap of incompletion. And it doesn’t really matter if you are still reading or not.
Because today, I am willing to trust MY Guidance.
But if you are still with me, I welcome your company.